Essays For Toefl Exam

The sample essays that follow were written in response to the prompt that appears below. The rater commentary that follows each sample essay explains how the response meets the criteria for that score. For a more complete understanding of the criteria for each score point, see the "Analyze an Argument" Scoring Guide.

In surveys Mason City residents rank water sports (swimming, boating and fishing) among their favorite recreational activities. The Mason River flowing through the city is rarely used for these pursuits, however, and the city park department devotes little of its budget to maintaining riverside recreational facilities. For years there have been complaints from residents about the quality of the river's water and the river's smell. In response, the state has recently announced plans to clean up Mason River. Use of the river for water sports is therefore sure to increase. The city government should for that reason devote more money in this year's budget to riverside recreational facilities.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on the assumptions and what the implications are if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

Note: All responses are reproduced exactly as written, including errors, misspellings, etc., if any.

Essay Response — Score 6

While it may be true that the Mason City government ought to devote more money to riverside recreational facilities, this author's argument does not make a cogent case for increased resources based on river use. It is easy to understand why city residents would want a cleaner river, but this argument is rife with holes and assumptions, and thus, not strong enough to lead to increased funding.

Citing surveys of city residents, the author reports city resident's love of water sports. It is not clear, however, the scope and validity of that survey. For example, the survey could have asked residents if they prefer using the river for water sports or would like to see a hydroelectric dam built, which may have swayed residents toward river sports. The sample may not have been representative of city residents, asking only those residents who live upon the river. The survey may have been 10 pages long, with 2 questions dedicated to river sports. We just do not know. Unless the survey is fully representative, valid, and reliable, it can not be used to effectively back the author's argument.

Additionally, the author implies that residents do not use the river for swimming, boating, and fishing, despite their professed interest, because the water is polluted and smelly. While a polluted, smelly river would likely cut down on river sports, a concrete connection between the resident's lack of river use and the river's current state is not effectively made. Though there have been complaints, we do not know if there have been numerous complaints from a wide range of people, or perhaps from one or two individuals who made numerous complaints. To strengthen his/her argument, the author would benefit from implementing a normed survey asking a wide range of residents why they do not currently use the river.

Building upon the implication that residents do not use the river due to the quality of the river's water and the smell, the author suggests that a river clean up will result in increased river usage. If the river's water quality and smell result from problems which can be cleaned, this may be true. For example, if the decreased water quality and aroma is caused by pollution by factories along the river, this conceivably could be remedied. But if the quality and aroma results from the natural mineral deposits in the water or surrounding rock, this may not be true. There are some bodies of water which emit a strong smell of sulphur due to the geography of the area. This is not something likely to be afffected by a clean-up. Consequently, a river clean up may have no impact upon river usage. Regardless of whether the river's quality is able to be improved or not, the author does not effectively show a connection between water quality and river usage.

A clean, beautiful, safe river often adds to a city's property values, leads to increased tourism and revenue from those who come to take advantage of the river, and a better overall quality of life for residents. For these reasons, city government may decide to invest in improving riverside recreational facilities. However, this author's argument is not likely significantly persuade the city goverment to allocate increased funding.

Rater Commentary for Essay Response — Score 6

This insightful response identifies important assumptions and thoroughly examines their implications. The essay shows that the proposal to spend more on riverside recreational facilities rests on three questionable assumptions, namely:

  • that the survey provides a reliable basis for budget planning
  • that the river’s pollution and odor are the only reasons for its limited recreational use
  • that efforts to clean the water and remove the odor will be successful

By showing that each assumption is highly suspect, this essay demonstrates the weakness of the entire argument. For example, paragraph 2 points out that the survey might not have used a representative sample, might have offered limited choices, and might have contained very few questions on water sports.

Paragraph 3 examines the tenuous connection between complaints and limited use of the river for recreation. Complaints about water quality and odor may be coming from only a few people and, even if such complaints are numerous, other completely different factors may be much more significant in reducing river usage. Finally, paragraph 4 explains that certain geologic features may prevent effective river clean-up. Details such as these provide compelling support.

In addition, careful organization ensures that each new point builds upon the previous ones. For example, note the clear transitions at the beginning of paragraphs 3 and 4, as well as the logical sequence of sentences within paragraphs (specifically paragraph 4).

Although this essay does contain minor errors, it still conveys ideas fluently. Note the effective word choices (e.g., "rife with . . . assumptions" and "may have swayed residents"). In addition, sentences are not merely varied; they also display skillful embedding of subordinate elements.

Since this response offers cogent examination of the argument and conveys meaning skillfully, it earns a score of 6.

Essay Response — Score 5

The author of this proposal to increase the budget for Mason City riverside recreational facilities offers an interesting argument but to move forward on the proposal would definitely require more information and thought. While the correlations stated are logical and probable, there may be hidden factors that prevent the City from diverting resources to this project.

For example, consider the survey rankings among Mason City residents. The thought is that such high regard for water sports will translate into usage. But, survey responses can hardly be used as indicators of actual behavior. Many surveys conducted after the winter holidays reveal people who list exercise and weight loss as a top priority. Yet every profession does not equal a new gym membership. Even the wording of the survey results remain ambiguous and vague. While water sports may be among the residents' favorite activities, this allows for many other favorites. What remains unknown is the priorities of the general public. Do they favor these water sports above a softball field or soccer field? Are they willing to sacrifice the municipal golf course for better riverside facilities? Indeed the survey hardly provides enough information to discern future use of improved facilities.

Closely linked to the surveys is the bold assumption that a cleaner river will result in increased usage. While it is not illogical to expect some increase, at what level will people begin to use the river? The answer to this question requires a survey to find out the reasons our residents use or do not use the river. Is river water quality the primary limiting factor to usage or the lack of docks and piers? Are people more interested in water sports than the recreational activities that they are already engaged in? These questions will help the city government forecast how much river usage will increase and to assign a proportional increase to the budget.

Likewise, the author is optimistic regarding the state promise to clean the river. We need to hear the source of the voices and consider any ulterior motives. Is this a campaign year and the plans a campaign promise from the state representative? What is the timeline for the clean-up effort? Will the state fully fund this project? We can imagine the misuse of funds in renovating the riverside facilities only to watch the new buildings fall into dilapidation while the state drags the river clean-up.

Last, the author does not consider where these additional funds will be diverted from. The current budget situation must be assessed to determine if this increase can be afforded. In a sense, the City may not be willing to draw money away from other key projects from road improvements to schools and education. The author naively assumes that the money can simply appear without forethought on where it will come from.

Examining all the various angles and factors involved with improving riverside recreational facilities, the argument does not justify increasing the budget. While the proposal does highlight a possibility, more information is required to warrant any action.

Rater Commentary for Essay Response — Score 5

Each paragraph in the body of this perceptive essay identifies and examines an unstated assumption that is crucial to the argument. The major assumptions discussed are:

  • that a survey can accurately predict behavior
  • that cleaning the river will, in itself, increase recreational usage
  • that state plans to clean the river will actually be realized
  • that Mason City can afford to spend more on riverside recreational facilities

Support within each paragraph is both thoughtful and thorough. For example, paragraph 2 points out vagueness in the wording of the survey: Even if water sports rank among the favorite recreational activities of Mason City residents, other sports may still be much more popular. Thus, if the first assumption proves unwarranted, the argument to fund riverside facilities — rather than soccer fields or golf courses — becomes much weaker. Paragraph 4 considers several reasons why river clean-up plans may not be successful (the plans may be nothing more than campaign promises or funding may not be adequate). Thus, the weakness of the third assumption undermines the argument that river recreation will increase and riverside improvements will be needed at all.

Instead of dismissing each assumption in isolation, this response places them in a logical order and considers their connections. Note the appropriate transitions between and within paragraphs, clarifying the links among the assumptions (e.g., "Closely linked to the surveys …" or "The answer to this question requires...").

Along with strong development, this response also displays facility with language. Minor errors in punctuation are present, but word choices are apt and sentences suitably varied in pattern and length. The response uses a number of rhetorical questions, but the implied answers are always clear enough to support the points being made.

Thus, the response satisfies all requirements for a score of 5, but its development is not thorough or compelling enough for a 6.

Essay Response — Score 4

The problem with the arguement is the assumption that if the Mason River were cleaned up, that people would use it for water sports and recreation. This is not necessarily true, as people may rank water sports among their favorite recreational activities, but that does not mean that those same people have the financial ability, time or equipment to pursue those interests.

However, even if the writer of the arguement is correct in assuming that the Mason River will be used more by the city's residents, the arguement does not say why the recreational facilities need more money. If recreational facilities already exist along the Mason River, why should the city allot more money to fund them? If the recreational facilities already in existence will be used more in the coming years, then they will be making more money for themselves, eliminating the need for the city government to devote more money to them.

According to the arguement, the reason people are not using the Mason River for water sports is because of the smell and the quality of water, not because the recreational facilities are unacceptable.

If the city government alloted more money to the recreational facilities, then the budget is being cut from some other important city project. Also, if the assumptions proved unwarranted, and more people did not use the river for recreation, then much money has been wasted, not only the money for the recreational facilities, but also the money that was used to clean up the river to attract more people in the first place.

Rater Commentary for Essay Response — Score 4

This competent response identifies two unstated assumptions:

  • that cleaning up the Mason River will lead to increased recreational use
  • that existing facilities along the river need more funding

Paragraph 1 offers reasons why the first assumption is questionable (e.g., residents may not have the necessary time or money for water sports). Similarly, paragraphs 2 and 3 explain that riverside recreational facilities may already be adequate and may, in fact, produce additional income if usage increases. Thus, the response is adequately developed and satisfactorily organized to show how the argument depends on questionable assumptions.

However, this essay does not rise to a score of 5 because it fails to consider several other unstated assumptions (e.g., that the survey is reliable or that the efforts to clean the river will be successful). Furthermore, the final paragraph makes some extraneous, unsupported assertions of its own. Mason City may actually have a budget surplus so that cuts to other projects will not be necessary, and cleaning the river may provide other real benefits even if it is not used more for water sports.

This response is generally free of errors in grammar and usage and displays sufficient control of language to support a score of 4.

Essay Response — Score 3

Surveys are created to speak for the people; however, surveys do not always speak for the whole community. A survey completed by Mason City residents concluded that the residents enjoy water sports as a form of recreation. If that is so evident, why has the river not been used? The blame can not be soley be placed on the city park department. The city park department can only do as much as they observe. The real issue is not the residents use of the river, but their desire for a more pleasant smell and a more pleasant sight. If the city government cleans the river, it might take years for the smell to go away. If the budget is changed to accomodate the clean up of the Mason River, other problems will arise. The residents will then begin to complain about other issues in their city that will be ignored because of the great emphasis being placed on Mason River. If more money is taken out of the budget to clean the river an assumption can be made. This assumption is that the budget for another part of cit maintenance or building will be tapped into to. In addition, to the budget being used to clean up Mason River, it will also be allocated in increasing riverside recreational facilites. The government is trying to appease its residents, and one can warrant that the role of the government is to please the people. There are many assumptions being made; however, the government can not make the assumption that people want the river to be cleaned so that they can use it for recreational water activities. The government has to realize the long term effects that their decision will have on the monetary value of their budget.

Rater Commentary for Essay Response — Score 3

Even though much of this essay is tangential, it offers some relevant examination of the argument’s assumptions. The early sentences mention a questionable assumption (that the survey results are reliable) but do not explain how the survey might have been flawed. Then the response drifts to irrelevant matters — a defense of the city park department, a prediction of budget problems and the problem of pleasing city residents.

Some statements even introduce unwarranted assumptions that are not part of the original argument (e.g., "The residents will then begin to complain about other issues" and "This assumption is that the budget for another part of city maintenance or building will be tapped into"). Near the end, the response does correctly note that city government should not assume that residents want to use the river for recreation. Hence, the proposal to increase funding for riverside recreational facilities may not be justified.

In summary, the language in this response is reasonably clear, but its examination of unstated assumptions remains limited and therefore earns a score of 3.

Essay Response — Score 2

This statement looks like logical, but there are some wrong sentences in it which is not logical.

First, this statement mentions raking water sports as their favorite recreational activities at the first sentence. However, it seems to have a ralation between the first sentence and the setence which mentions that increase the quality of the river's water and the river's smell. This is a wrong cause and result to solve the problem.

Second, as a reponse to the complaints from residents, the state plan to clean up the river. As a result, the state expects that water sports will increase. When you look at two sentences, the result is not appropriate for the cause.

Third, the last statement is the conclusion. However, even though residents rank water sports, the city government might devote the budget to another issue. This statement is also a wrong cause and result.

In summary, the statement is not logical because there are some errors in it. The supporting setences are not strong enough to support this issue.

Rater Commentary for Essay Response — Score 2

Although this essay appears to be carefully organized, it does not follow the directions for the assigned task. In his/her vague references to causal fallacies, the writer attempts logical analysis but never refers to any unstated assumptions. Furthermore, several errors in grammar and sentence structure interfere with meaning (e.g., "This statement looks like logical, but there are some wrong sentences in it which is not logical").

Because this response "does not follow the directions for the assigned task" and contains errors in sentence structure and logical development, it earns a score of 2.

Essay Response — Score 1

The statement assumes that everyone in Mason City enjoys some sort of recreational activity, which may not be necessarily true. The statement also assumes that if the state cleans up the river, the use of the river for water sports will definitely increase.

Rater Commentary for Essay Response — Score 1

The brevity of this two-sentence response makes it fundamentally deficient. Sentence 1 states an assumption that is actually not present in the argument, and sentence 2 correctly states an assumption but provides no discussion of its implications. Although the response may begin to address the assigned task, it offers no development. As such, it is clearly "extremely brief ... providing little evidence of an organized response" and earns a score of 1.

Video Title: Inside the TOEFL® Test - Writing Question 2

People in this video

Michael

Intro

[music playing]

On-screen: ETS® TOEFL® Inside the TOEFL Test

Michael: Hi, I'm Michael from ETS, and welcome to Inside the TOEFL Test.

Michael: Today, we're going inside the TOEFL iBT writing section, specifically question two, the Independent Writing question. So in the next few minutes, we're going to look at how the question is structured, how to approach the question, how your response is scored. We'll look at a sample response that received a high score, and we'll give you some tips for improving your writing skills.

On-screen: ETS TOEFL® - Writing Question 2 - Introduction

  • Question Structure
  • Approach Tips
  • Scoring Criteria
  • Sample Response
  • Skill-Building Tips

Michael: So, here's generally what question two will look like. For this task, you're presented with a question and you have 30 minutes to type your response at the computer. There's no maximum length for your essay, but a good response is usually at least 300 words. So, what is the question asking you to do?

On-screen: Question Structure

Michael: The Independent Writing question will ask your opinion on an issue. So, often, you'll get a question such as, "do you agree or disagree?" "Which would you prefer?", or "do you support or oppose this idea?"

On-screen: Question Structure

  • Your opinion on an issue
  • Do you agree or disagree?
  • Which would you prefer?
  • Do you support or oppose this idea?
  • Use specific reasons and examples

Michael: Regardless of the question, you'll be expected to use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

On-screen: Sample Topics

  • Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A teacher's ability to relate well with students is more important than excellent knowledge of the subject being taught.

Michael: Let's look at some sample topics. Number one: "Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A teacher's ability to relate well with students is more important than excellent knowledge of the subject being taught."

On-screen:Sample Topics

  • Some people like to travel with a companion. Other people prefer to travel alone. Which do you prefer?

Michael: Two: "Some people like to travel with a companion. Other people prefer to travel alone. Which do you prefer?"

On-screen: Sample Topics

  • It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan?

Michael: Three: "It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan?"

On-screen: Approach Tips

  • Make an outline.
  • Some people like to travel with a companion. Other people prefer to travel alone.
  • Which do you prefer?

Michael: One way to approach your essay is to make an outline.  Here's how you might make an outline to answer your question about traveling alone or with a companion. First decide which option you prefer.  Let's say you prefer to travel with a companion. Then, think about the main reasons why you have that preference, such as it's safer, it's more fun, and it makes travel easier.

On-screen: Approach Tips

Michael: Then, list some specific examples for each reason. Using an organizing tool like an outline is important when planning your essay. Don't try to create an essay by memorizing paragraphs on various topics before the test and then trying to relate them to the topic you receive, because the content won't be appropriate and you'll just receive a low score.

On-screen: Scoring criteria

  • Scored 0 to 5
  • Development
  • Organization
  • Language use

Michael: Before the test, make sure you understand what the raters are looking for and how each question is scored. The essays in the writing section will each be given an overall score from zero to five. For question two, the Independent Writing question, the raters are looking for three main things — development, organization, and language use.

On-screen: Development

  • How well you address the topic
  • How well your details, examples and reasons support your ideas

Michael: First, development: The raters are looking for how well you address the topic, and how well your detailed examples and reasons support your ideas. If you just use a lot of words and sentences that don't really support the points you're making about the topic, or if you develop empty ideas not related to the topic, you'll receive a low score.

On-screen: Organization

  • Write in paragraphs
  • Use transitions
  • Support the topic
  • Avoid redundancy

Michael: Second, organization: This basically means the reader can read your essay from beginning to end without becoming confused. You can help the reader follow your ideas by writing in paragraphs and using good transitions. Also, make sure your support points all relate clearly to the topic, and avoid redundancy which is saying the same things over and over, just using different words.

On-screen: Language use

  • Sentence structure
  • Word choice
  • Vocabulary
  • Use of grammar

Michael: The third criterion is language use. Raters are looking for things like sentence structure, word choice and vocabulary. It's also important that your use of grammar is strong and consistent, though it doesn't have to be perfect to get a top score.

On-screen: Scoring Criteria

  • Development
  • Organization
  • Language use
  • Independent Writing Rubics
  • www.toeflgoanywhere.org

Michael: You can see exactly how your essays are scored by looking at the Independent Writing Rubric or scoring guide. The rubrics are found in many ETS test prep materials like the Official Guide to the TOEFL® Test, or on the TOEFL website.

On-screen: Sample response

  • Score of 4 on a 5-point scale
  • Writer’s point of view

Michael: Now, let's look at a sample response to give you an idea of what a good essay looks like and what our raters look for when they score. This essay was responding to the topic about teachers. It received a score of four on a five-point scale. This essay has a very traditional structure. It gives the writer's point of view in the first paragraph, and then has three paragraphs of supporting points and then a concluding paragraph.

Michael: The writer's first supporting point is that relating to students is a job of a counselor, not a teacher, and that teachers without content knowledge are simply not good teachers. The point is a good one and generally well stated.

The second point is that students want to take courses from teachers with special knowledge, even if the teachers are not entertaining. This is another good point.

The third point is interesting, but it has some weaknesses in the writing. The writer talks about how teachers have the obligation to pass on what they have learned, but there are some errors of word choice like "conceding their knowledge" and "advantaged education", and the connection of ideas is somewhat unclear. For example, what's the purpose of saying, "We all learn because we want to become the better person that this world needs."

On-screen: Sample Response

  • Score of 4 on a 5-point scale

Michael: So, overall, the essay is well organized and makes solid points, but given the word choice and unclear connection of ideas, especially in the fourth paragraph, this essay would receive a score of four out of five.

On-screen: Skill-Building Tips

  • Read opinion essays and write about them

Michael: Now, here are some tips for improving your writing and getting ready for the Independent Writing question.  One, find essays in news magazines or websites that express opinions.  Read them and write about why you agree or disagree.

On-screen: Skill-Building Tips

  • Time yourself and plan, write and revise in 30 minutes.

Michael: Two, when you practice writing, time yourself so that you could get used to planning and writing and revising your essay in 30 minutes.

On-screen: Skill-Building Tips

  • Learn how to find and correct grammar mistakes.

Michael: Three, when you practice, you may find that you're making the same kinds of grammar mistakes over and over. So, learn how to correct them. Then, when you write your essay, leave a few minutes to go back and make those corrections.

On-screen: TOEFL® test prep

Michael: If you're looking for real TOEFL Independent Writing topics, you can find them in ETS prep products. The Official Guide to the TOEFL Test has more than a 150 practice topics for the Independent Writing question.

On-screen: ETS TOEFL® Writing Question 2

Michael: There are lots of ways to improve your English skills.  Whatever you do, keep practicing, and good luck on your TOEFL test.

[END]

Total length of video: 6:59

0 thoughts on “Essays For Toefl Exam

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *